I have just started my post-graduate couse, and my schedule’s going to be a little messed up for a while, and I apologize as that means my column is going to be sporadic, at best. While I was never one for regular posting, I will try and get back into the habt…however, I have to see what my workload is going to be like over the next week or two to make a decision about when I’ll post, how often (probably once a week), etc. I appreciate your patience while I get edumacated.

- The Mon

I miss the good old days of deathmatch. It was simple: kill anyone or anything that moves. In-game chat was limited to the occasional “ns” or “ffs” or off-topic chat about this or that. Then, I started playing Dystopia and other on-line games. Teamwork, interesting gameplay, and other features make these games much more challenging and fun than deathmatch. The drawback is that, sooner or later, you will run into one of the Douchebags of the Internet.

So, in the interest of the historical record, and for those amateur douchebag watchers out there, I have decided to compile a list. Keep it handy; if you play long enough on-line, especially in the team-based games (Battlefield, Enemy Territory et. al), you are guaranteed to run into one of these types.

State the Obvious Douche
Douchebagitus Blatantum

This douchebag lives under the impression that he’s the only one who gets the game. He thinks that everyone else is trying to play Civilization or Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? He’ll say things like “capture the objective”, “kill them”, or “get their flag”, continually. Always re-stating whatever your current task is, and the most obvious way to do it, he ignores any actual in-game situation that might be stopping his team from accomplishing their task. Gets easily frustrated when the button isn’t pushed after the eighth time he’s said “Push the button”.

It’s Everyone Else’s Fault Douche
Douchebagitus Scapigoatia

The scapigoatia can often be found either at the back of your team or in the spawn cue. He would’ve captured the flag, but his team didn’t give him enough cover. He would’ve pushed the button, but his team doesn’t know how to kill fast enough. That reactor would’ve been destroyed, but his team has too many redheads on it. This douche will assume an angry, hostile stance the moment anyone asks what he’s bringing to the team. Approach with caution, as TK’ing is its natural reaction in such situations.

Casual Bigot Douche
Douchebagitus Ratherpatheticae

If you happen to kill this douche, you’re “gay”. If you happen to kill this douche when he’s about to capture the objective, you’re a “fag”. The weather outside is, for some reason, “faggoty”. This douche hates many people, but only casually (and usually, it’s nothing compared to the dislike he has of himself). Confronting him about his putdowns are responded with “Can’t you take a joke?”, “I’m just joking” or something along those lines. This douche is very common on the Internet, unfortunately, but usually changes his tune once he mates in the real world. Comes in three types: Gay-Hating, Non-White-Hating and melgibsonium, or Jew-hating.

Elitist Douche
Douchebagitus Snottaefukkeria

This douche is actually good at the game, but unlike the nicer skilled players, he won’t let you forget it. The common variety of this douche will be unemotional, unfriendly, but on the plus side, rarely says anything. A less common version is the elitist who talks down to everyone and insults them because of their inferior skill. Best solution when approached by one of these elitist is to ignore. This skill is often all he has in life, and who are you to remind him about the world outside?

Quick to Anger Douche
Douchebagitus Drunkendaddae

A more common member of the douchebag family, the drunkendaddae is noticeable by the way he gets angry at almost anything. His distinctive cry can be heard depending on his situation: He dies? “F***!” He dies again? “F***!” You kill him a third time? “F*** YOU YOU F*** S*** F*** B*****!” This is the kind of unpleasant douche you would avoid in real-life, but again, like the Elitist Douche, the best option on-line is to simply ignore. Sometimes he molts into an angrier version of the Casual Bigot Douche, or the It’s Everyone Else’s Fault Douche.

Questionable Mental Development Douche
Douchebagitus Politicianium

A mild douche, and not so common (but cannot be called “rare”), this douche barely understands the game and never will. The politicianium will play four or five matches in a row, but still not grasp the rocket launcher, or what is to be done for any given objective. He is often found on the far side of the map, furiously working on an objective you took seven minutes ago. A gentle hint or two can help, but if no response—or an angry one—is received, the best reaction is, again, to leave them alone (their pride can turn them into any of the above douches, including a fascinating camouflage as an Elitist Douche). Boredom or frustration means this douche will leave sooner or later. Not to be confused with players of the Newbie family.

Talks and Jokes Too Much Douche
Douchebagitus Monsignorium

You should be thankful to have this douche on your server, let alone on your team, and don’t you forget it.

The Monsignor

Dear Jack,

Firstly, let me apologize for not writing in a while, Jack. I’ve been doing my thing, and you’ve been doing yours, and you know how easy it is to lose contact with people. Of course, considering what you’ve been doing, can you blame me for not keeping touch? I don’t want to start this letter on a note of acrimony, but I’m not the one acting like a jackass. There, I said it. I’m sorry if that seems a little harsh, Jack (and ironic, considering your name), but sometimes you need an old friend to tell you these things.

I caught an interview with you on some website that those videogamers frequent, and I hate to say this, but you could stand to have a PR gal do a little work on you. The beard’s a nice touch, but you’ve still got those eyes that at best make you look like a deer caught in some headlights. At worst, Jack—and I hate to be this blunt—they make you seem kind of crazy…maybe passionate about what you believe in, but crazy nonetheless.

Of course, I also hate to be the one telling you this, Jack, but your convictions are a little crazy these days. I mean, I never agreed with you taking on the Grand Theft Auto series, but I know better than to get in your way when you’re in one of these…”moods”, I guess for lack of a better term. You have the right to say whatever you want, so I wasn’t going to stop you. Though seriously buddy, the content was inaccessible unless you went through a dozen hoops that most people wouldn’t bother to go through. Shit, I’ve still got a PS2 version of San Andreas from the first day of release—I haven’t bothered to even try to get at the Hot Coffee malarkey. I hear you need a different controller or something, and it seems like way too much effort to see some chunky, polygonical boobs. But some people will go to that effort, I suppose.

And who are you, Jack, to deny them? Some people like to look at any kind of breast, be it real, photographed or constructed of eight triangles in a computer program. Yet, you still got wicked pissed about the whole thing. You should’ve let it go, man. I mean, if some parent were to watch their kid play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for an hour, I doubt that seeing some simulated sex would be the height of their concerns. If anything, when you compare it to a massive rampage of cop-killing and car-stealing, a little copulation might seem like a pleasant, quiet interlude by comparison. Of course, I’m a little biased, Jack: I like the GTA series, and have done so since day one. They’re just a little harmless fun. And if some kid is playing them, I think the harm is not the game itself, but the parents who let their kids be babysat by the fine people at Sony and Rockstar Games.

Now, however, I do have a serious beef with you over your latest target. The Sims 2, unlike GTA, is not my cup of tea. I think it’s kind of dull, and the hours spent improving your sims’ lives could be better spent going outside and doing something with your real one. But I know that many people—yourself included—would have similar arguments against GTA. Shit, it’s a bit like The Sims when you think about it: players control an artificial life and steer it through obstacles. Still, GTA isn’t for everyone, but it would seem that The Sims is. I mean, it’s played by everyone. From kids in grade school to divorced sixty-somethings who have fucked up their own families so much, they hope for a better shot with virtual ones.

Sorry about the swears, Jack. I know you hate those. I remember your fights against NWA’s Straight Outta Compton. I apologize for bringing up such a low point in your life, pal.

But still, you going against The Sims makes as much sense as when you approached Janet Reno to get her to sign that silly-ass piece of paper declaring her sexual orientation. And it seems sex, once again, is your problem. Those pixels aren’t cover enough, are they Jack? And the fact that if you remove them through a third-party program, cheat or mod or whatever the kids call it, you see plastic doll bodies doesn’t satisfy you? Okay, I’ll admit that some people have made cheats/mods/whatever for the game that allow you to see naked people, but what are they doing? They’re showering and shitting, Jack. Don’t you take your pants down when you shit? Don’t you get naked when you shower? Yeah, I’ll admit the little kids naked could be kind of creepy (played the game once, got bored…I don’t have it anymore to try out these things), but does that mean you throw out the baby (albeit a naked one, apparently) with the bath water?

Jack, you’ve got to wake up. The kids these days are a more socially liberated society; they aren’t shocked by the thought of someone taking a shower naked. They aren’t shocked by the fact that two people out of wedlock can “get it on” (I think they still use that phrase). I mean, you’ve gone from being a nuisance to a joke. People are now even getting beyond laughing at you, and are starting to pity you. Get off the cable news shows and such, and do your best to make a difference. Hell, you know I don’t agree with your conservative, Christian views, but I damned well believe you have the right to have ‘em. Just do something constructive with them. You are a joke to those you are trying to change the opinions of, and an embarrassment to those that agree with you.

Anyways, I’m sorry if this letter has been a little harsh. Now for some good news: I’ll be in Key Biscane at the end of the month for my annual Richard Nixon pilgramage. We should get together at Pascal’s again; I’ll bet Janice will still serve us buck-fifty beers. She should for the amount we’ve spent there over the years, eh?

My best to Patricia,

The Monsignor

There are some things that go good together, like pints of beer and summer patios. And conversely, there are things that don’t go so well together, like fellatio and family reunions. However, a new combo has just sprung up that to me seems like a no-brainer to never mix: videogames and religion.

I am referring to the Left Behind: Eternal Forces real-time strategy game that’s coming out sometime this year (this is the most well-known example, but certainly not the only one). Here’s the basic shtick of the game: the Christian apocalypse has come, and amongst those who weren’t called away by the Rapture, it’s a been-there-done-that war between Christian Good and Secular/non-Christian Evil. A fight, I might add, which rages in the streets of New York City (a little tasteless a locale for massive destruction, don’t you think?). You can control either side (in multiplayer; the single-player’s strictly on the side of “Good”), and amass forces to destroy the other, and save their souls or take them or something. Much like many religious texts, the LB:EF website is vague and easily misread.

Were it not for the whole religion issue surrounding this game (this hardly merits the term “controversy”), it would probably be dismissed as a second-rate RTS destined to be S&F’ed (Shipped & Forgotten). The concept of Humans vs. Demons-From-Christian-Hell is an old, tired theme in videogames, and LB:EF would be seen as uninspired were it not for the book franchise behind it. The Left Behind series of books is especially popular amongst Christians, for obvious reasons. Much of the debate around the books comes from the fact that it has a fairly absolutist vision of the apocalypse: You accept Christ as your savior, you go to Heaven. You don’t, you go to Hell. Of course, I’m not here to debate the theological issues this raises (Do mentally handicapped people who can’t consciously understand the concept of Christ as their savior go to Hell? How about dogs?). This article is about religion in the videogame community. Sorry, “this column”. There was really nothing involved here that a journalist would call “journalism”. Perhaps “regurgitation” would be a more fitting word.

(Before continuing though, I would like to point out an aspect of the game that troubles me. The two sides in LB:EF are called the Tribulation Forces and the Global Community Peacekeepers. The villains? The Peacekeepers, which I found surprising when that meant the good guys had the ominous-sounding name of the Tribulation Forces. This twisting of words that can have positive meanings (“community” and “peacekeepers”) is a disgusting example of the manipulation of language. It is less suited to a popular novel series, and more fitting in the Newspeak Dictionary, 10^th Edition—I doubt Messers. LaHaye and Jenkins, the Left Behind authors, will get that reference.)

Okay, enough bashing of the Left Behind books and games (and enough asides hidden in brackets…I’m told it is sloppy writing). However, my dislike of this franchise proves a point: Religion polarizes. People have strong feelings about various religions, both pro and con, and those feelings and opinions can be equally valid, so long as they aren’t based in simple-minded bigotry or hatred. But ask yourself this: do we want this shit to start appearing in videogames?

The truth is that religion and videogames simply don’t make sense together because of who plays them. Videogamers are, in my experience a relatively secular bunch, at least in how they behave when dealing with one another. In on-line messaging and conversations, the general rule is that religion is not a good thing to bring up. Amongst gamers the issue of race and religion are generally ignored. I don’t know if that jackass sniping me from his camping spot is black, white, Asian or Latino, or if he’s Christian, Muslim or Jew, and I don’t care. I want him out of that camping spot, not to debate the nature of a deity who is beyond our knowing and yet continually insist we comprehend.

As a community, we need to keep videogames secular in attitude. If we don’t, what comes next? The Sims 3: Muslimania? Hassidic Summer Beach Volleyball? Buddhist Xtreme Biking? And those are the joke examples I can list here without touching on some very topical, unpleasant situations. Yes, I am aware of the irony of mocking a religion to promote respect for religions, but I’m trying to make a point. You see, not only would games along that line insult various people’s faiths, it cheapens the faith that the game purports to side with by turning it into a simple, disposable product. Also, religion divides, and we need to keep the videogame communities tight, in order to ensure that ideas and suggestions are listened to by the developers: fifty thousand gamers complaining can change the market; fifty isolated ideas will always be ignored.

Anyways, my basic message is this: don’t buy games that use a people’s religion as a selling point. It’s crass, cheap and disrespectful to all involved (yourself included if you buy them), and will cause more problems for videogames as whole. Don’t refuse to buy a game simply because it has a Christian, Muslim or Jewish character, but don’t buy a game that relies on lazy caricatures of those faiths or liberal secularists; can’t forget about us—er, them. (Dammit Monsignor, practice some of the objectivity that’s set the high standard in videogame journalism!)

The Monsignor (Ironic name, no?)

PS: Okay, okay…I would actually pay money for Buddhist Xtreme Biking.

I wanted to wait until I had finished playing Prey before writing this column. I was hoping that my worst fears would not be confirmed, but unfortunately, they have been.

Prey has some interesting things to it that certainly keep it from being a bad game. The gravity-changing walkways are neat. The spirit aspect makes for some interesting (albeit repetitive) puzzles. The guns all are basically modifications of the standard assault rifle-shotgun-rocket combo, but they, too, have a style that’s kind of interesting. However, it has one aspect that makes it yet another in a disturbing trend of videogames.

You can’t fail.

Hmm…do I overuse the one-sentence-paragraph-for-dramatic-impact? Probably, but that’s not the point here. Before I go further, let me describe to you how I play first person shooters. I only quicksave and quickload; and I hit that quicksave a lot, usually before an encounter (which every FPS veteran can feel coming a mile away). Sometimes I come out of an encounter with lots of health and plenty of ammo, and when I do, I move on. If I come out severely weakened and/or really low on ammo (being a pacifist, I’m terrible with guns), I quickload to before the encounter and do it again. I don’t quickload if I just lost five health, but if I walk away from an gun fight with fifteen health and four armour, I’m going to try better. You see, I always look at the next encounter and how well I’ll be going into it after the one I just finished.

Then all went out the window when I started playing Prey. In that game, you can die relatively easily; there are a lot of monster-swarming parts, and the tougher monsters tend to be fairly hard to beat in some of the situations. But here’s what happens when you die: you go into a sort of mini-game where you shoot evil spirits—or lost souls or something—with your spirit bow. As you shoot red ones, your health goes up; blue ones raise your spirit level. Slowly, you get sucked into a chasm in the middle of this “world”, which takes you back to where you just died, with replenished health and spirit based upon how many of those lost souls you dispatched. To make a long story short (too late), you don’t need to save, because you can’t die. The only time you have to save is when you quit the game. And that brings up a disturbing trend, which is also the title of this column: Mollycoddling.

One of the games that we at Aggravated Gamers champion is the classic Star Control 2, which you can still get today from fans who ported the 3DO version to the PC under the title The Ur-Quan Masters (http://sc2.sourceforge.net/). Check it out; you won’t regret it. But if you play the game, what you will regret is not planning ahead. Star Control 2 was merciless. Mining minerals and biologicals off planets was the only way to get RU’s (resource units, the game’s currency), which you would then use to upgrade your ship. However, since resources were limited, you will start having to go further and further to find them, having mined all the local planets dry. The further you went, the tougher enemies got and the more it cost you in fuel to get to your destination. That meant that if you didn’t strategically plan your upgrades early, you’d find the game quickly devolved into limping home with a small mineral load. Eventually, you knew that you had to restart the game. Frustrating? Sometimes, but was it rewarding? Absolutely.

Yet, that possibility to screw up is starting to disappear from games, especially those in adventure, FPS and RPG games. You might change outcomes and events, but rarely is there a game where you can get to a point and are forced to say to yourself: “I wish I hadn’t (pushed that button/killed that NPC/wasted my rocket ammo) in the last session; now I’m going to have to go back and try that again.” Some would argue that this is a good thing, as it removes player frustration. There is some legitimacy to that argument, but I would counter that it removes any of the planning that makes games so enjoyable. Why bother saving your more powerful weapons’ ammo when fighting the weaker enemies? You know that every boss battle will have plenty of ammo strewn about, and plenty of health packs to be had. Seriously, those bosses, if they truly wanted to kill the player, would ambush him (or her) in a tiny corridor far from any ammo locker or health station.

Maybe Prey is an exception to the future course of gaming; I really hope that it is. What I wish, basically, is that designer avoid these easy-outs, and bring some challenge be back to videogames. I know that a game has to be relatively easy for everyone to beat, or else it wouldn’t sell across various consoles and demographics. But I think game designers are insulting players’ intelligences by making these games that they can’t screw up in. They should be making traps that a player has to avoid, because once they’re caught in ‘em, the only option is the quick load. This will (a) force a player to think ahead and be more involved in the game, and (b) give a player a greater sense of triumph when he solves a challenge. Both these things will make the gaming experience more enjoyable.

The Monsignor

PS: Lookin’ at you, Half-Life franchise…you’re on thin ice in this regard.

There are many things that videogames do well: action, fantastic elements, immersive environments…these are all things that seem to get better with each passing year. However, there is an element of games that seems, for the most part, to be lacking. This lacking element is integral to every other medium’s storytelling and entertainment. And that missing aspect is, quite simply, emotion.

It’s not a hard thing to understand why film and books have a much easier time connecting emotionally with people than videogames do. Movie, literature, television—hell, even radio—are all passive mediums. Beyond entering a theatre, turning a page or pressing a button, those mediums don’t require much input from the user. This passivity also makes it easier for the mediums to give us signals and inputs as to what emotionally we should be feeling at any given moment (wow, we’ve got a real Noam Chomsky/Marshall McLuhan thing going on here, don’t we?).

Videogames on the other hand are both blessed and cursed by their own design. The interactivity of videogames can be a refreshing change from sitting in a dark theatre and watching actors interact. But, generally speaking, most videogames have the player as either an almost messianic-like superman (in the Nietzsche sense, not a tights-and-fearing-Kryptonite sense) who is almost an army of one against millions or as a disembodied, godlike figure. And these perspectives can be problematic when trying to convey emotions.

In the case of the superman, which is usually found in first-person shooters, the character is separated from those around him, even his allies. He is stronger, faster and a better shooter than them. His allies also tend to be generic in appearance and without any real character, or if they do have a personality, they tend to be set in one archetype or another from which they will almost never waver. A romance might be tacked on, or a revenge background given to the superman. Yet, neither of these emotional cues will really motivate the player. In the case of the romantic ally (think Alyx from Half-Life 2), they are usually on a pre-determined course that might have a few plot twists, but will never really have any input from the player. The revenge background (family relative murdered, revenge upon someone who oppressed the player earlier in life, etc.) is also lacking in any real motivation. It makes for moderately interesting cutscenes at the beginning and end, but really doesn’t have much impact on the game itself, other than maybe the type of enemy you’ll be facing.

The disembodied, godlike perspective has an emotional disconnect inherently built into it. While the FPS allows the player to “experience” the world through an individual’s perspective, there is really no connection between the godlike perspective and anything we go through in life, and therefore it’s very hard to connect emotionally through it. This detachment means that you are willing to throw wave after wave of tanks and infantry against an enemy, uncaring for the hundreds of lives you would be sacrificing if the game were real. On the more personal scale, in RPG’s such as Baldur’s Gate and Neverwinter Nights, there are some attempts to tell emotional stories through interaction with the NPC’s, especially those in the party. However, it is hard to believe the romance between your character and the elf mage in your party when you are viewing it from a height of thirty or forty in-game feet.

So, has any game gotten close to emotional connection with the player? Some people might argue that Half-Life 2 had a strong sense of emotion; in my opinion those people would be wrong. HL2 had a great sense of atmosphere, but in the end you were still a superman racing through superhuman battles, not really relating to anyone you met. The romance with Alyx was a nice touch and well done, but was still so passive. You could never acknowledge your feelings towards her one way or the other. It was little more than middle-act fumblings from romantic comedy movies, where the two lovebirds you knew were going to hook up at the end kept getting separated by circumstance.

Basically, what I’m getting at is that designers need to add a human element. Stop using archetypes and start creating personalities that the player is genuinely interested in interacting with. Perhaps in a GTA-style game the player comes across a racist, and has the option of calling the NPC on it or not…and whether he does or doesn’t has an effect on the remainder of the story. Or in games such as HL2, have the player actually able to interact with the romantic interest (no, not necessarily that kind of interaction you filthy pervert). Let the player decide the course of the relationship from “just friends” to “let’s make out over here before we go kill some enemies”. With those basic emotional connections made, it could quickly become a snowball effect; soon games would not just be measured on how well they create dust motes in the air, but also how well the player feels he or she’s connected to the world the designers made.

Of course, on the other hand, when it comes to the godlike strategy games, emotional connection may not be such a good thing, especially when waging a war. You want to have fun slaughtering the enemy with your own dying troops (at least until EA’s Hague2K7 comes out). But maybe the designers could still allow a little bit of consequences to be shown. Perhaps in the player’s “home base” a small graveyard is formed when your units start dying. Think about all the RTS games you’ve played…how big would your graveyards have been?

The Monsignor

I apologize that there was no missive from Monsignor Land last week; a project came up in the real world, and I was forced to give it my full attention. So, with it now well underway and all the goals actualized, et cetera, I can once again devote some time to writing about videogames. And to writing about one particular aspect of the videogame business:

Hype.

Before I continue, let’s face some cold, hard facts here. Now, everybody sit down, and hold hands with each other if you feel the need, so you can be prepared for the next sentence. You and I do not need videogames to live. There is nothing in Prey that will sustain you for another day. There is absolutely zero content in Guild Wars or World of Warcraft that satisfies your basic triumvirate of needs: food, shelter and warmth.

These unpleasant truths make videogames a luxury. That’s right, even that $10 game you bought is considered a luxury in the sense that you did not need to buy it, and by buying it, you have done nothing else than satisfied a purely selfish desire. And so, in order for you to spend that ten, twenty, forty or sixty dollars on a game, someone has to make you want that game. And that someone is actually a group of people who work in advertising agencies. And they are a group that produces but one product in the end: hype. See where I’m going with this?

And now I am going to completely ostracize myself from the gaming community. I am going to bring to task a game that is still relatively distant on the horizon. Yet, it is a game that the mere mention of causes videogame “journalists” to salivate, and far too many fan boys to excuse themselves as they go change their ejaculate-stained pants. Brace yourself as I name the game that is so ridiculously over-hyped at this point, that even if it does everything it promises, it can’t live up to what it’s promised.

Spore.

Woah there! Put that gun down. And you guys—the mob with the torches and pitchforks: put those things down; you could hurt yourself. The Monsignor is nothing if not concerned about the safety of his readers (all four of you).

But, it’s true. I have come to feel very disre—ah, fuck it. Who am I kidding? I hate the hype around Spore. Every time it gets mentioned (which the advertising companies ensure happens every few weeks), people get way too excited: This game is going to be revolutionary! It’s going to change the way we play games! It’s so creative!

Listen up. It’s bloody PacMan with customizable characters. Now, I will admit, the whole control-your-species-evolution thing is interesting. (NOTE: Before I continue here, I’m going under the assumption that you, dear reader, like everyone else on the planet, have seen the Will Wright half-hour demo movie. If not, go find it. I’d post a link, but I can’t be bothered) However, that first section, as a microscopic organism eating things while avoiding enemy microscopic organisms? PacMan: The Fantastic Voyage. When you then run around eating plants or smaller animals, while avoiding large and hostile animals? PacMan: Running Around on a Cartoon Planet. The later stages where your civilization fights across a planet and a galaxy? Ms. PacMan.

I’m not saying the game won’t be fun; I’m sure it will be, to a certain degree. Will Wright created the SimCity games, which were fun in their own right…or Wright. (That’s the only pun you’re getting this week, kids. Enjoy.) And I’m not taking the game itself to task, though I am certainly not as impressed as others seem to be. No, what I’m getting irritated by is the dull-eyed, wide-smile glaze that comes over everyone’s face at the mention of the game. And that, my friends, brings up the bad side of hype:

Disappointment.

Remember Fable? The game was supposed to be a revolutionary RPG. You changed and the world changed depending on whether you went good or evil. The magazines and websites were touting it as the Second Coming for CRPG’s. When it came out I bought a copy and threw it into my Xbox and started playing. Ten hours later, I was finished (this is not a rant about the brevity of videogames…I did that on Day One). I learned in those ten hours that the change to yourself, depending on whether you went good or evil was purely cosmetic. The change to the world? People were either scared of you or loved you. Enemies still attacked you and the plot didn’t really differ. Okay, maybe that choice at the end, but there wasn’t a feeling that going good or evil made any real significant difference. It was over-hyped and thusly, became a severe disappointment. The game itself isn’t too bad, but the expectations had killed most potential joy.

And so, I would close with a warning to the makers of Spore: Tone it down, guys. Stop dusting chat rooms with your “Spore’s Gonna Roxors!” threads. Stop releasing a few new screens every few months, and then coyly talk about how your game is Going To Change Everything. Your task is over, motherfuckers. We all are goddamn aware of Spore, and we all (myself included), will probably try to get a copy when it comes out. So please, just stop. The hype is insulting to us, and can be a potential backlash against yourselves. Don’t believe me? Go ask Peter Molyneux.

The Monsignor

I want to tell you about Burtons. Burtons are a product for sale, but there’s a problem: there are different Burtons. Each Burton is unique, though some are similar to others. Different people like different Burtons. And there are hundreds of different Burtons. Some are for kids, others for adults. Also, to use Burtons, you need a Burton Device. There are different Burton Devices, and some Burtons work only with some, while others work with all of them.

So, as you might imagine, a big problem that people have is sorting out which Burton is for them, which would make a good gift for their brother’s birthday, and which ones are appropriate for their grandchildren. In order to do so, people read Burton magazines and check out Burton websites. Most of these sites and magazines review for a specific type of Burton, or perhaps only Burtons for a specific Burton Device. Others try to review as many different Burtons as possible. Burton-related media, however, does not sort out Burtons for free. They need to make money so that they can pay their editors and Burton-reviewing journalists, along with actually printing their magazines and keeping their websites on-line. (Also, if they can turn a profit, their shareholders and parent companies would be very happy indeed.) Unfortunately, in order to make that money they need two things: to have the latest information on their type of Burtons so that people buy the magazine or click on the site, and they also need to have advertising to help pay their costs.

Now, at some point, the editors of the Burton media eventually realized they would have to approach the Burton manufacturers in order to get the latest news. So they did, saying: “We would like exclusive previews of your upcoming Hot New Burtons, please.”

“Why should we?” replied the Burton manufacturers, who are naturally secretive of Burtons they’ve yet to release. “The community is already aware of them through our advertising and the internet’s word-of-mouth. Plus, you might say bad things about it, and that would put a taint on a product we haven’t even released yet.”

The Burton media editors thought about this for a second, and then responded: “Well…what if we promised not to say bad things? What if we only focused on the good aspects and, at worst, hinted vaguely or dismissively on the bad aspects? We can cover up any of those bad things by saying you’re working on fixing them before the Burton goes to market.”

The Burton manufacturers thought on this. They knew they would need some advance hype in order to generate enough sales. Finally, they countered: “Okay, but we need final approval on the article.”

The magazines and websites eagerly agreed. What did it matter if they fibbed a little bit? After all, the Hot New Burton had some redeeming features, right? It’s not a lie if any problems are ignored, omitted or downplayed. Also, these were previews, not the reviews themselves, where they would need to have actual journalistic standards.

Yet, the Burton manufacturers were also concerned about actual advertising in magazines and on websites. Here, the media was on a bit surer footing: “You need our advertising to make people aware of the Hot New Burton you plan to release in a few months.”

The Burton manufacturers nodded their heads, but with a sly smile responded: “True, but there are so many of you. People aren’t loyal to one Burton media outlet. And not one of your magazines or websites has a reputation for honest, factual reporting, so therefore, none of you are so trusted that people always turn to you. That means your advertising space is not so valuable. Now, what if you let us write your reviews for you…?”

“No!” cried the Burton editors. “We cannot let you do that! After all, we employ journalists.”

The Burton manufacturers pretended to think for a minute, before responding: “Well, maybe we’ll pay for the advertising, but the worse you review something, the further you must push it back into the magazine, or the less noticeable you must make it on your website.”

“What if it’s truly a terrible Burton? Uh, not that yours would be, of course…”

“A review system is common amongst everything that reviews anything. Make it out of one hundred percent, or out of ten using decimals. Stars if you’re lazy—but we must have half-stars if you do. If one of our games is bad, then perhaps give it a seven out of ten, or even a six out of ten if you truly must—though I warn you we will eye such reviews intently.”

The Burton media had a sudden flash of conscience (it wouldn’t last): “Seventy percent? That’s an okay grade in school, and can get you into some second-tier universities. Why should we give it to you for a Burton that truly stinks?”

“Because your paycheck relies on it.”

At this point, the Burton editors, seeing the truth of it, relented. They nodded in agreement, and shook hands with the Burton manufacturers, sealing the deal (and leaving no traceable paperwork). With this deal in place, their websites and magazines started getting more exclusives and advertising. And so, their revenue went up, and they started to break even, and even turn a slight profit.

Of course, to maintain the illusion of impartiality, they would try to keep some Burton reviewers from the Burton manufacturer’s parties and junkets; but the editors would attend. And, in the end, too many bad reviews of the bigger Burton manufacturers’ games would ensure a lack of exclusives and advertising. But, the money both the editors and reviewers started making softened the blow of their lack of journalistic ethics. It wasn’t much they made, but it was certainly an easy job once they got the hang of it. It wasn’t labor in a factory or some other job that might require physical effort or creativity.

Of course, some of the Burton media wouldn’t go along. They tried to be honest, and would give bad reviews, but they didn’t get free Burtons to review, nor did they get invites or passes to Burton expos or parties. Their lack of exclusives and advertising meant their magazines and websites would get less attention. Eventually, a lack of money forced some of them to close down, or to realize the necessity of going along with the Burton manufacturers in order to see a profit and do just that. Some hung on, but knew that they would eventually have to make a choice between the two options.

Meanwhile, the mainstream Burton media became more and more complacent with their arrangement. These Burton journalists and Burton editors sit around saying to themselves and each other: “Well, we gave that one Burton two months ago a bad review…three out of five stars! Ah, it’s good to be so honest with the public.”

The Monsignor

Well, two posts under my belt, and all you might be able to figure about me is that I like to rant, and that I like run-on sentences, like this one. Now, I could give you some biographical information—where I was born, where I live, age, etc.—but they really wouldn’t tell you much about The Monsignor, now would they? So, instead, let me tell you five of my favourite videogames. Now, these may not be my Top Five Favourite; everyone should know that list changes, both with new releases and re-considering old ones. Well, enough introductory paragraphitization; on with the article.

System Shock 2

The first System Shock was good, but System Shock 2 was incredible. It was the first game I played that really sucked me in with good gameplay and an atmosphere so heavy and horrifying that you could taste it (tastes kinda like peop—er, chicken). It had elements that I loved from amany different games: action, an RPG system, twitch-reflex moments and a sense of style. Anyone who has spent hours with this game knows the visceral thrill of the opening cinematic: “L-l-l-look at you hacker…” The game did everything right: it made sure to balance all the aspects together, and to create a truly different game when you tried it in different styles. The Hacker had to play different from the Marine, who in turn had to play differently from the Psionic. And every problem had solutions, but not necessarily the same one each time you played. This game in the grandfather of F.E.A.R., Half-Life 2 and Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth, and those games show obvious signs that their creators had played one of the best FPS Horror games ever made.

Alpha Centauri

It was made as a sci-fi version of Civilization 2, if not even a direct sequel to that game. Alpha Centauri was, for those not familiar with the game, the story of humanity’s first colonization attempt on a distant planet, played in a Civ-esque, turn-based form, complete with Secret Projects (Wonders of the World), research trees and advances both for military units and for colony (city) improvements. Again, like System Shock 2, the game managed to pull off not only the purely technical aspects of the gameplay right, but also the sense of style. Who wouldn’t enjoy nerve-stapling the more unruly citizens? Also, unlike other turn-based games, the factions were distinctly different from each other and required a different style of play. The Human Hive’s best bet was to expand rapidly through colonies and ignoring the other factions; the Spartans, on the other hand, had to go into Conquer mode from the get-go or soon get crushed. I spent many months playing that game, and to this day, this morbid, black comedy science-fiction game still stands out as my favourite of the turn-based strategy genre.

Half-Life 2

Okay, okay. I know last week I criticized this game for being too short, and it still is. However, the short single-player experience is still something to behold. Up till Half-Life 2, many games had claimed to be an interactive movie experience, but HL2 was the first to deliver. From the opening sequence to the final ascension in the Citadel, this game kept the action coming and the atmosphere perfect. The rust, decay and general worn feeling of the various in-game settings made it feel like one of the most realistic shooters I’ve ever played. City 17 still to this day stands out as a memorable place in my mind. Also, the game has an exceedingly huge mod community, which means that it’s a game I won’t uninstall anytime soon. Still, Valve, that doesn’t excuse an excruciatingly short single-player game!

Star Control 2

A genre that has unfortunately died out, is the space exploration genre. The original Star Flight series was good, but it was Star Control 2 that was the apex. The game began with you piloting the helm of an ancient starship…well, at least a version of ancient starship that you just built. You find that Earth is under the control of the Ur-Quan, a race of unpleasant, large caterpillars; after gaining the trust of Earth’s starbase commander, you are off across the quadrant, exploring hundreds of stars and more hundreds of planets (not sure if it was in the “thousands” range). The game was easy to play, but hard to master; and unlike many games, it was quite possible to screw yourself over to a point where you had to restart. But restart you did, learning from your mistake and doing better. The game also had a sense of humour that was laced throughout every alien race, from your allies to your enemies. It took its situation seriously, but not itself. This game, like System Shock 2, can be found for free on the Internet (albeit under the title The Ur-Qaon Masters). And, like System Shock 2, this game still sits on my computer. And unlike System Shock 2, I’m able to run it. Damn dual-cores!

Baldur’s Gate 2

Long, involved, complex and with David Warner doing a voice to boot! This game was perhaps the apex of CRPG’s for me. That isn’t to say I don’t like the ones I’ve played since, but Baldur’s Gate 2 made me care for the characters. Though there was little randomness in the game, it was often replayable by taking on different characters into your party and watching the group dynamics unfold. Even replacing one of your six PC’s with another one was enough to make the game’s subplots change. Certain characters loved each other (and you), and others hated each other, sometimes creating the funniest moments in the game. Back that up with strong gameplay, fantastically detailed environments, and complex plots and sublots with interesting twists and endings, and you have perhaps the best hardcore Western RPG game made. Neverwinter Nights jerks itself off to sleep at night, dreaming of being as good as Baldur’s Gate 2 was at its worst.

Well, there you go; five of my favourite games. There are dozens others, but these were the ones I felt like writing about for now. Perhaps sometime in the future I will make more specific lists. Some great games got left off: Deus Ex, FarCry, the original Half-Life…but we’ll save those for another time. Now, what’s the one thing we all learned from this?

I like sequels, apparently.

The Monsignor

Somewhere around the year 2000, it seems that the makers of first-person shooters got together for a secret gathering (probably somewhere in Oregon) to discuss the future of the beloved FPS genre. Now, at this retreat, between LAN parties, talking about which Hollywood celebrity they’d bang, and shooting BB guns at local fauna, they apparently came to a fateful conclusion: FPS games are too long.

So, they began the process of making the shooters shorter and shorter. Out with the complex, back-tracking and in-depth gameplay of System Shock! In with the run-and-gun-and-yawn of Doom 3! Of course, it would be almost half a decade before their Oregon Pact would come to fruition…games take some time to make, don’tcha know.

And here we are, 2006 years after the birth of Cassius Veronicus (some Roman guy), and when you have a need for some first-person shooting action, what do you do? You go to the store and spend your (or, in some cases, your parents’) hard-earned thirty to sixty bucks to get some right-handed, gun-firing action, and then head home in a state of giddy anticipation (oh, I hope there’s a shotgun in the game!).

After a hastily-eaten dinner you throw the disc into your console or PC, then hope
you didn’t scratch it too much in the throw. Next comes the installation or in the case of consoles, a stupid splash screen that tells you to “Press Start”. You configure a few options, sit back in the chair and start shooting. All right, a pistol at first. Classic. Let’s keep going.

Midnight rolls around and you’re really into it. You keep telling yourself: One more shoot-out and I’ll stop, and, being the responsible acme of evolution that you are, you do.

If the next day’s a work day, you are in a daze waiting for the day to end, so you can get back to it. If the next day’s a weekend, you may shower before you turn on your computer or console, or you might not. Really, it’s up to you. I’m not in the room with you, so stink it up as much as you want.

The second session! A quick loading up of the game, and you’re back into it. All right, all right…things are going good. Hey! These guys are some tough sons of—oh, that’s all I have to do to kill them? Okay, moving on. Hey, this must be the end of the first part; it’s a tough boss battle. Fire a few rockets, keep the SMG firing…okay, down he goes. Good. Never liked that guy. Okay what’s next? What the–? “Lead Programmer: Larry Schultz”? Why am I seeing credits?!

Yes, you just dropped half a C-note for ten, maybe twelve hours of gameplay.

What the f***?

It seems that the Oregon Pact is in effect, as games are getting shorter and shorter. The original System Shock took me two weeks to finish of casual, two-hours-a-night gameplay (of course I was stupdier—er, more stupid back then). Half-Life was a long, on-going affair that when you finished truly felt like you had just done something epic.

Cut to today. Doom 3 I finished in about ten hours, ditto Half-Life 2…both on the hardest available setting. Now, there is something to be said about the fact that I’ve been playing first-person shooters since the original Wolfenstein, and therefore my experience means that I’ll finish games a little faster than others. Still, both those games (and others like FEAR) are becoming little more than rail shooters. What’s a rail shooter, you might ask? A shitty genre that’s all but died out, where the computer does the movement for you (along a “rail”), and you just shoot at enemies as they pop up.

Anyways, the FPS genre is not only milking the same themes over and over (see my last post), but they’re also becoming more and more limiting. In System Shock 2, you had to decide which weapon to use, based on skill. A Hybrid at the end of the corridor could be dealt with in a dozen ways, and none of them a guaranteed win by any stretch. Perhaps avoidance was the best course of action, and you’d double-back and try an alternate route.

In the more modern FPS games, you basically are always being pushed from one doorway to another; there are no real alternate routes beyond maybe going through Room C to get from Room A to B. You also get warnings broadcast to you about upcoming battles, which make them a little less challenging. Usually, the warnings come from the randomly-dropped supply of a specific ammo type. Rockets? Something airborn or really tough. Grenades? Something up ahead is hidden by cover. SMG ammo? A bunch of the weaker-to-moderately tough enemies are going to come streaming at you soon.

It’s time for the companies to start creating games that aren’t so linear, and aren’t so short. Stop spending your time and money creating the Amazing New Lighting Engine or the Awesomely Realistic Physics Engine. At this point, everything’s pretty fucking good in both departments. If you programmers are trying to figure out a way to make dust particles in the air actually swirl around the bullets as they are fired, just stop. Instead, try to figure out a way to give a player five different paths to the next point/objective in the game. Open the vast number of locked doors in the game’s corridor and put alternate routes behind them. Not only will the game be more interesting to play, it will allow for replayability: “Hmm…I went across the bridge last time I played, what happens if I go under the bridge and through the sewer grate this time…?”

Well, that’s enough about that for now. You get the picture. We don’t need a fancier carpet in the hallway; we need a longer damn hallway!

Wow, that metaphor was terrible.

The Monsignor

Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you for coming today on this most sorrowful day. Please, take your seats and I’ll begin.

We are here today to mourn the passing of two of the Shooter brothers. World War Two Shooter and Futuristic Shooter died slowly over the last year from over-exposure, and have now finally passed away. We will miss them, and we must always keep them in our memories.

The older Shooter brother, World War Two Shooter, loved memories. He was fond of a time when good was Good and evil was Evil. World War Two Shooter didn’t like grey areas, and this showed in the company he kept. His two good friends are with us today to pay their respects: Upper-Class British Major and Gruff American Sergeant. Absent are his enemies, who did not attend this service for obvious reasons: Pitiless German Colonel and Overly-Patriotic Soviet Officer, though the latter he was on friendlier terms with near the end.

But we will all remember that World War Two Shooter wasn’t just a people person. He liked to relive the same memories over and over again. He would take us with him as he had to sneak from building to building in Bombed Out French Town, or perhaps the time he snuck into Nazi Naval Base to destroy the U-Boat. How many Evil Nazi Secret Weapon Plans had he stolen over the years? How many machine gun nests had he softened up with a grenade and then gone in, his MP45 blazing? Oh, he had so many memories, and wouldn’t hesitate for a second to help us relive them. Again and again.

So, it is indeed quite sad to see him go, but the tragedy is made doubly so with the passing of his brother Futuristic Shooter.

Futuristic Shooter liked the same moral absolutes as his elder brother. He too, liked his enemies Evil, whether they were Aliens With Vaguely Reptilian Look, or perhaps Megalomaniacal Dictator who had plans to rule the Federation, Alliance or whatever group Futuristic Shooter was hanging out with on that day. Futuristic Shooter would eagerly put on his uniform…we all remember it, of course: body armour that looked like it was a stolen NFL linebacker’s uniform with metal attached, and a helmet that looked like it came from a 1980’s vision of what motorcycle helmets of the future would look like.

This, the younger of the two dearly departed, would spend his time attacking Reactors or Enemy Bases that, in retrospect, seemed rather ill-placed and conceived. He would spend hours in their corridors, surrounded by dials, lights and pipes that served absolutely no purpose. But Futuristic’s purpose in life wasn’t aesthetics, it was bursting into rooms, being ambushed and shooting his way out, only to travel down the next corridor to the next ambush room.

Oh, and how Futuristic Shooter loved the same guns! Rocket launchers were his standard, along with a shotgun, a pistol, and any weapon that fired plasma, whether it be by stream or ball. Of course, he always knew how to get his hands on some high-powered sniper weapon, which became another mainstay of his nearer to the end.

And, like World War Two Shooter, Futuristic needed the same arsenal wherever he went, because he dealt with the same foes: Weak Cannon Fodder Alien was a favourite of his, while Armoured Melee-Attack Alien was a bit more of a concern for him. In his dying years, Futuristic even attempted a side business trying to raise Swarming Spider Aliens on a farm in Nebraska with rather unfortunate results.

Yes, it is sad that we commit these two brothers to the grave. But, as they are sent back to the earth from whence they came, we must help their friends who still feel that they are alive, and are willing to do anything to try to bring them back to life…another German chateau to raid or perhaps an alien in even heavier armour. No, my friends, the best thing we can do for the now-gone Shooter brothers is to let them go, to remember the fond times we had, but to not try and go back. Let us look to others in the Shooter family—Western Shooter and Lush Foliage Shooter come to mind—to carry on the good Shooter name.

I thank you. Oh, and I should mention, that the family has requested any donations in the brothers’ names to made to the Help AI Squadmates With Their Pathfinding Fund. Truly a noble cause.