I miss the good old days of deathmatch. It was simple: kill anyone or anything that moves. In-game chat was limited to the occasional “ns” or “ffs” or off-topic chat about this or that. Then, I started playing Dystopia and other on-line games. Teamwork, interesting gameplay, and other features make these games much more challenging and fun than deathmatch. The drawback is that, sooner or later, you will run into one of the Douchebags of the Internet.

So, in the interest of the historical record, and for those amateur douchebag watchers out there, I have decided to compile a list. Keep it handy; if you play long enough on-line, especially in the team-based games (Battlefield, Enemy Territory et. al), you are guaranteed to run into one of these types.

State the Obvious Douche
Douchebagitus Blatantum

This douchebag lives under the impression that he’s the only one who gets the game. He thinks that everyone else is trying to play Civilization or Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? He’ll say things like “capture the objective”, “kill them”, or “get their flag”, continually. Always re-stating whatever your current task is, and the most obvious way to do it, he ignores any actual in-game situation that might be stopping his team from accomplishing their task. Gets easily frustrated when the button isn’t pushed after the eighth time he’s said “Push the button”.

It’s Everyone Else’s Fault Douche
Douchebagitus Scapigoatia

The scapigoatia can often be found either at the back of your team or in the spawn cue. He would’ve captured the flag, but his team didn’t give him enough cover. He would’ve pushed the button, but his team doesn’t know how to kill fast enough. That reactor would’ve been destroyed, but his team has too many redheads on it. This douche will assume an angry, hostile stance the moment anyone asks what he’s bringing to the team. Approach with caution, as TK’ing is its natural reaction in such situations.

Casual Bigot Douche
Douchebagitus Ratherpatheticae

If you happen to kill this douche, you’re “gay”. If you happen to kill this douche when he’s about to capture the objective, you’re a “fag”. The weather outside is, for some reason, “faggoty”. This douche hates many people, but only casually (and usually, it’s nothing compared to the dislike he has of himself). Confronting him about his putdowns are responded with “Can’t you take a joke?”, “I’m just joking” or something along those lines. This douche is very common on the Internet, unfortunately, but usually changes his tune once he mates in the real world. Comes in three types: Gay-Hating, Non-White-Hating and melgibsonium, or Jew-hating.

Elitist Douche
Douchebagitus Snottaefukkeria

This douche is actually good at the game, but unlike the nicer skilled players, he won’t let you forget it. The common variety of this douche will be unemotional, unfriendly, but on the plus side, rarely says anything. A less common version is the elitist who talks down to everyone and insults them because of their inferior skill. Best solution when approached by one of these elitist is to ignore. This skill is often all he has in life, and who are you to remind him about the world outside?

Quick to Anger Douche
Douchebagitus Drunkendaddae

A more common member of the douchebag family, the drunkendaddae is noticeable by the way he gets angry at almost anything. His distinctive cry can be heard depending on his situation: He dies? “F***!” He dies again? “F***!” You kill him a third time? “F*** YOU YOU F*** S*** F*** B*****!” This is the kind of unpleasant douche you would avoid in real-life, but again, like the Elitist Douche, the best option on-line is to simply ignore. Sometimes he molts into an angrier version of the Casual Bigot Douche, or the It’s Everyone Else’s Fault Douche.

Questionable Mental Development Douche
Douchebagitus Politicianium

A mild douche, and not so common (but cannot be called “rare”), this douche barely understands the game and never will. The politicianium will play four or five matches in a row, but still not grasp the rocket launcher, or what is to be done for any given objective. He is often found on the far side of the map, furiously working on an objective you took seven minutes ago. A gentle hint or two can help, but if no response—or an angry one—is received, the best reaction is, again, to leave them alone (their pride can turn them into any of the above douches, including a fascinating camouflage as an Elitist Douche). Boredom or frustration means this douche will leave sooner or later. Not to be confused with players of the Newbie family.

Talks and Jokes Too Much Douche
Douchebagitus Monsignorium

You should be thankful to have this douche on your server, let alone on your team, and don’t you forget it.

The Monsignor