Dear Jack,

Firstly, let me apologize for not writing in a while, Jack. I’ve been doing my thing, and you’ve been doing yours, and you know how easy it is to lose contact with people. Of course, considering what you’ve been doing, can you blame me for not keeping touch? I don’t want to start this letter on a note of acrimony, but I’m not the one acting like a jackass. There, I said it. I’m sorry if that seems a little harsh, Jack (and ironic, considering your name), but sometimes you need an old friend to tell you these things.

I caught an interview with you on some website that those videogamers frequent, and I hate to say this, but you could stand to have a PR gal do a little work on you. The beard’s a nice touch, but you’ve still got those eyes that at best make you look like a deer caught in some headlights. At worst, Jack—and I hate to be this blunt—they make you seem kind of crazy…maybe passionate about what you believe in, but crazy nonetheless.

Of course, I also hate to be the one telling you this, Jack, but your convictions are a little crazy these days. I mean, I never agreed with you taking on the Grand Theft Auto series, but I know better than to get in your way when you’re in one of these…”moods”, I guess for lack of a better term. You have the right to say whatever you want, so I wasn’t going to stop you. Though seriously buddy, the content was inaccessible unless you went through a dozen hoops that most people wouldn’t bother to go through. Shit, I’ve still got a PS2 version of San Andreas from the first day of release—I haven’t bothered to even try to get at the Hot Coffee malarkey. I hear you need a different controller or something, and it seems like way too much effort to see some chunky, polygonical boobs. But some people will go to that effort, I suppose.

And who are you, Jack, to deny them? Some people like to look at any kind of breast, be it real, photographed or constructed of eight triangles in a computer program. Yet, you still got wicked pissed about the whole thing. You should’ve let it go, man. I mean, if some parent were to watch their kid play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for an hour, I doubt that seeing some simulated sex would be the height of their concerns. If anything, when you compare it to a massive rampage of cop-killing and car-stealing, a little copulation might seem like a pleasant, quiet interlude by comparison. Of course, I’m a little biased, Jack: I like the GTA series, and have done so since day one. They’re just a little harmless fun. And if some kid is playing them, I think the harm is not the game itself, but the parents who let their kids be babysat by the fine people at Sony and Rockstar Games.

Now, however, I do have a serious beef with you over your latest target. The Sims 2, unlike GTA, is not my cup of tea. I think it’s kind of dull, and the hours spent improving your sims’ lives could be better spent going outside and doing something with your real one. But I know that many people—yourself included—would have similar arguments against GTA. Shit, it’s a bit like The Sims when you think about it: players control an artificial life and steer it through obstacles. Still, GTA isn’t for everyone, but it would seem that The Sims is. I mean, it’s played by everyone. From kids in grade school to divorced sixty-somethings who have fucked up their own families so much, they hope for a better shot with virtual ones.

Sorry about the swears, Jack. I know you hate those. I remember your fights against NWA’s Straight Outta Compton. I apologize for bringing up such a low point in your life, pal.

But still, you going against The Sims makes as much sense as when you approached Janet Reno to get her to sign that silly-ass piece of paper declaring her sexual orientation. And it seems sex, once again, is your problem. Those pixels aren’t cover enough, are they Jack? And the fact that if you remove them through a third-party program, cheat or mod or whatever the kids call it, you see plastic doll bodies doesn’t satisfy you? Okay, I’ll admit that some people have made cheats/mods/whatever for the game that allow you to see naked people, but what are they doing? They’re showering and shitting, Jack. Don’t you take your pants down when you shit? Don’t you get naked when you shower? Yeah, I’ll admit the little kids naked could be kind of creepy (played the game once, got bored…I don’t have it anymore to try out these things), but does that mean you throw out the baby (albeit a naked one, apparently) with the bath water?

Jack, you’ve got to wake up. The kids these days are a more socially liberated society; they aren’t shocked by the thought of someone taking a shower naked. They aren’t shocked by the fact that two people out of wedlock can “get it on” (I think they still use that phrase). I mean, you’ve gone from being a nuisance to a joke. People are now even getting beyond laughing at you, and are starting to pity you. Get off the cable news shows and such, and do your best to make a difference. Hell, you know I don’t agree with your conservative, Christian views, but I damned well believe you have the right to have ‘em. Just do something constructive with them. You are a joke to those you are trying to change the opinions of, and an embarrassment to those that agree with you.

Anyways, I’m sorry if this letter has been a little harsh. Now for some good news: I’ll be in Key Biscane at the end of the month for my annual Richard Nixon pilgramage. We should get together at Pascal’s again; I’ll bet Janice will still serve us buck-fifty beers. She should for the amount we’ve spent there over the years, eh?

My best to Patricia,

The Monsignor