I apologize that there was no missive from Monsignor Land last week; a project came up in the real world, and I was forced to give it my full attention. So, with it now well underway and all the goals actualized, et cetera, I can once again devote some time to writing about videogames. And to writing about one particular aspect of the videogame business:

Hype.

Before I continue, let’s face some cold, hard facts here. Now, everybody sit down, and hold hands with each other if you feel the need, so you can be prepared for the next sentence. You and I do not need videogames to live. There is nothing in Prey that will sustain you for another day. There is absolutely zero content in Guild Wars or World of Warcraft that satisfies your basic triumvirate of needs: food, shelter and warmth.

These unpleasant truths make videogames a luxury. That’s right, even that $10 game you bought is considered a luxury in the sense that you did not need to buy it, and by buying it, you have done nothing else than satisfied a purely selfish desire. And so, in order for you to spend that ten, twenty, forty or sixty dollars on a game, someone has to make you want that game. And that someone is actually a group of people who work in advertising agencies. And they are a group that produces but one product in the end: hype. See where I’m going with this?

And now I am going to completely ostracize myself from the gaming community. I am going to bring to task a game that is still relatively distant on the horizon. Yet, it is a game that the mere mention of causes videogame “journalists” to salivate, and far too many fan boys to excuse themselves as they go change their ejaculate-stained pants. Brace yourself as I name the game that is so ridiculously over-hyped at this point, that even if it does everything it promises, it can’t live up to what it’s promised.

Spore.

Woah there! Put that gun down. And you guys—the mob with the torches and pitchforks: put those things down; you could hurt yourself. The Monsignor is nothing if not concerned about the safety of his readers (all four of you).

But, it’s true. I have come to feel very disre—ah, fuck it. Who am I kidding? I hate the hype around Spore. Every time it gets mentioned (which the advertising companies ensure happens every few weeks), people get way too excited: This game is going to be revolutionary! It’s going to change the way we play games! It’s so creative!

Listen up. It’s bloody PacMan with customizable characters. Now, I will admit, the whole control-your-species-evolution thing is interesting. (NOTE: Before I continue here, I’m going under the assumption that you, dear reader, like everyone else on the planet, have seen the Will Wright half-hour demo movie. If not, go find it. I’d post a link, but I can’t be bothered) However, that first section, as a microscopic organism eating things while avoiding enemy microscopic organisms? PacMan: The Fantastic Voyage. When you then run around eating plants or smaller animals, while avoiding large and hostile animals? PacMan: Running Around on a Cartoon Planet. The later stages where your civilization fights across a planet and a galaxy? Ms. PacMan.

I’m not saying the game won’t be fun; I’m sure it will be, to a certain degree. Will Wright created the SimCity games, which were fun in their own right…or Wright. (That’s the only pun you’re getting this week, kids. Enjoy.) And I’m not taking the game itself to task, though I am certainly not as impressed as others seem to be. No, what I’m getting irritated by is the dull-eyed, wide-smile glaze that comes over everyone’s face at the mention of the game. And that, my friends, brings up the bad side of hype:

Disappointment.

Remember Fable? The game was supposed to be a revolutionary RPG. You changed and the world changed depending on whether you went good or evil. The magazines and websites were touting it as the Second Coming for CRPG’s. When it came out I bought a copy and threw it into my Xbox and started playing. Ten hours later, I was finished (this is not a rant about the brevity of videogames…I did that on Day One). I learned in those ten hours that the change to yourself, depending on whether you went good or evil was purely cosmetic. The change to the world? People were either scared of you or loved you. Enemies still attacked you and the plot didn’t really differ. Okay, maybe that choice at the end, but there wasn’t a feeling that going good or evil made any real significant difference. It was over-hyped and thusly, became a severe disappointment. The game itself isn’t too bad, but the expectations had killed most potential joy.

And so, I would close with a warning to the makers of Spore: Tone it down, guys. Stop dusting chat rooms with your “Spore’s Gonna Roxors!” threads. Stop releasing a few new screens every few months, and then coyly talk about how your game is Going To Change Everything. Your task is over, motherfuckers. We all are goddamn aware of Spore, and we all (myself included), will probably try to get a copy when it comes out. So please, just stop. The hype is insulting to us, and can be a potential backlash against yourselves. Don’t believe me? Go ask Peter Molyneux.

The Monsignor