I want to tell you about Burtons. Burtons are a product for sale, but there’s a problem: there are different Burtons. Each Burton is unique, though some are similar to others. Different people like different Burtons. And there are hundreds of different Burtons. Some are for kids, others for adults. Also, to use Burtons, you need a Burton Device. There are different Burton Devices, and some Burtons work only with some, while others work with all of them.

So, as you might imagine, a big problem that people have is sorting out which Burton is for them, which would make a good gift for their brother’s birthday, and which ones are appropriate for their grandchildren. In order to do so, people read Burton magazines and check out Burton websites. Most of these sites and magazines review for a specific type of Burton, or perhaps only Burtons for a specific Burton Device. Others try to review as many different Burtons as possible. Burton-related media, however, does not sort out Burtons for free. They need to make money so that they can pay their editors and Burton-reviewing journalists, along with actually printing their magazines and keeping their websites on-line. (Also, if they can turn a profit, their shareholders and parent companies would be very happy indeed.) Unfortunately, in order to make that money they need two things: to have the latest information on their type of Burtons so that people buy the magazine or click on the site, and they also need to have advertising to help pay their costs.

Now, at some point, the editors of the Burton media eventually realized they would have to approach the Burton manufacturers in order to get the latest news. So they did, saying: “We would like exclusive previews of your upcoming Hot New Burtons, please.”

“Why should we?” replied the Burton manufacturers, who are naturally secretive of Burtons they’ve yet to release. “The community is already aware of them through our advertising and the internet’s word-of-mouth. Plus, you might say bad things about it, and that would put a taint on a product we haven’t even released yet.”

The Burton media editors thought about this for a second, and then responded: “Well…what if we promised not to say bad things? What if we only focused on the good aspects and, at worst, hinted vaguely or dismissively on the bad aspects? We can cover up any of those bad things by saying you’re working on fixing them before the Burton goes to market.”

The Burton manufacturers thought on this. They knew they would need some advance hype in order to generate enough sales. Finally, they countered: “Okay, but we need final approval on the article.”

The magazines and websites eagerly agreed. What did it matter if they fibbed a little bit? After all, the Hot New Burton had some redeeming features, right? It’s not a lie if any problems are ignored, omitted or downplayed. Also, these were previews, not the reviews themselves, where they would need to have actual journalistic standards.

Yet, the Burton manufacturers were also concerned about actual advertising in magazines and on websites. Here, the media was on a bit surer footing: “You need our advertising to make people aware of the Hot New Burton you plan to release in a few months.”

The Burton manufacturers nodded their heads, but with a sly smile responded: “True, but there are so many of you. People aren’t loyal to one Burton media outlet. And not one of your magazines or websites has a reputation for honest, factual reporting, so therefore, none of you are so trusted that people always turn to you. That means your advertising space is not so valuable. Now, what if you let us write your reviews for you…?”

“No!” cried the Burton editors. “We cannot let you do that! After all, we employ journalists.”

The Burton manufacturers pretended to think for a minute, before responding: “Well, maybe we’ll pay for the advertising, but the worse you review something, the further you must push it back into the magazine, or the less noticeable you must make it on your website.”

“What if it’s truly a terrible Burton? Uh, not that yours would be, of course…”

“A review system is common amongst everything that reviews anything. Make it out of one hundred percent, or out of ten using decimals. Stars if you’re lazy—but we must have half-stars if you do. If one of our games is bad, then perhaps give it a seven out of ten, or even a six out of ten if you truly must—though I warn you we will eye such reviews intently.”

The Burton media had a sudden flash of conscience (it wouldn’t last): “Seventy percent? That’s an okay grade in school, and can get you into some second-tier universities. Why should we give it to you for a Burton that truly stinks?”

“Because your paycheck relies on it.”

At this point, the Burton editors, seeing the truth of it, relented. They nodded in agreement, and shook hands with the Burton manufacturers, sealing the deal (and leaving no traceable paperwork). With this deal in place, their websites and magazines started getting more exclusives and advertising. And so, their revenue went up, and they started to break even, and even turn a slight profit.

Of course, to maintain the illusion of impartiality, they would try to keep some Burton reviewers from the Burton manufacturer’s parties and junkets; but the editors would attend. And, in the end, too many bad reviews of the bigger Burton manufacturers’ games would ensure a lack of exclusives and advertising. But, the money both the editors and reviewers started making softened the blow of their lack of journalistic ethics. It wasn’t much they made, but it was certainly an easy job once they got the hang of it. It wasn’t labor in a factory or some other job that might require physical effort or creativity.

Of course, some of the Burton media wouldn’t go along. They tried to be honest, and would give bad reviews, but they didn’t get free Burtons to review, nor did they get invites or passes to Burton expos or parties. Their lack of exclusives and advertising meant their magazines and websites would get less attention. Eventually, a lack of money forced some of them to close down, or to realize the necessity of going along with the Burton manufacturers in order to see a profit and do just that. Some hung on, but knew that they would eventually have to make a choice between the two options.

Meanwhile, the mainstream Burton media became more and more complacent with their arrangement. These Burton journalists and Burton editors sit around saying to themselves and each other: “Well, we gave that one Burton two months ago a bad review…three out of five stars! Ah, it’s good to be so honest with the public.”

The Monsignor