Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you for coming today on this most sorrowful day. Please, take your seats and I’ll begin.

We are here today to mourn the passing of two of the Shooter brothers. World War Two Shooter and Futuristic Shooter died slowly over the last year from over-exposure, and have now finally passed away. We will miss them, and we must always keep them in our memories.

The older Shooter brother, World War Two Shooter, loved memories. He was fond of a time when good was Good and evil was Evil. World War Two Shooter didn’t like grey areas, and this showed in the company he kept. His two good friends are with us today to pay their respects: Upper-Class British Major and Gruff American Sergeant. Absent are his enemies, who did not attend this service for obvious reasons: Pitiless German Colonel and Overly-Patriotic Soviet Officer, though the latter he was on friendlier terms with near the end.

But we will all remember that World War Two Shooter wasn’t just a people person. He liked to relive the same memories over and over again. He would take us with him as he had to sneak from building to building in Bombed Out French Town, or perhaps the time he snuck into Nazi Naval Base to destroy the U-Boat. How many Evil Nazi Secret Weapon Plans had he stolen over the years? How many machine gun nests had he softened up with a grenade and then gone in, his MP45 blazing? Oh, he had so many memories, and wouldn’t hesitate for a second to help us relive them. Again and again.

So, it is indeed quite sad to see him go, but the tragedy is made doubly so with the passing of his brother Futuristic Shooter.

Futuristic Shooter liked the same moral absolutes as his elder brother. He too, liked his enemies Evil, whether they were Aliens With Vaguely Reptilian Look, or perhaps Megalomaniacal Dictator who had plans to rule the Federation, Alliance or whatever group Futuristic Shooter was hanging out with on that day. Futuristic Shooter would eagerly put on his uniform…we all remember it, of course: body armour that looked like it was a stolen NFL linebacker’s uniform with metal attached, and a helmet that looked like it came from a 1980’s vision of what motorcycle helmets of the future would look like.

This, the younger of the two dearly departed, would spend his time attacking Reactors or Enemy Bases that, in retrospect, seemed rather ill-placed and conceived. He would spend hours in their corridors, surrounded by dials, lights and pipes that served absolutely no purpose. But Futuristic’s purpose in life wasn’t aesthetics, it was bursting into rooms, being ambushed and shooting his way out, only to travel down the next corridor to the next ambush room.

Oh, and how Futuristic Shooter loved the same guns! Rocket launchers were his standard, along with a shotgun, a pistol, and any weapon that fired plasma, whether it be by stream or ball. Of course, he always knew how to get his hands on some high-powered sniper weapon, which became another mainstay of his nearer to the end.

And, like World War Two Shooter, Futuristic needed the same arsenal wherever he went, because he dealt with the same foes: Weak Cannon Fodder Alien was a favourite of his, while Armoured Melee-Attack Alien was a bit more of a concern for him. In his dying years, Futuristic even attempted a side business trying to raise Swarming Spider Aliens on a farm in Nebraska with rather unfortunate results.

Yes, it is sad that we commit these two brothers to the grave. But, as they are sent back to the earth from whence they came, we must help their friends who still feel that they are alive, and are willing to do anything to try to bring them back to life…another German chateau to raid or perhaps an alien in even heavier armour. No, my friends, the best thing we can do for the now-gone Shooter brothers is to let them go, to remember the fond times we had, but to not try and go back. Let us look to others in the Shooter family—Western Shooter and Lush Foliage Shooter come to mind—to carry on the good Shooter name.

I thank you. Oh, and I should mention, that the family has requested any donations in the brothers’ names to made to the Help AI Squadmates With Their Pathfinding Fund. Truly a noble cause.